The other day I heard a song in an ad and it had me confused in all kinds of ways.
It was Canon in D Major by Pachelbel, a favorite of mine ever since I wanted to become ~cultured~ as a teenager. Surprisingly, it was a remake with vocals by Christine and the Queens, a favorite of mine during my college days. To top it all off, the commercial cut the song off in an awkward way that left the lyrics mysteriously incomprehensible. Needless to say, I was intrigued. There was no carrying on with my day without hearing this song in full.
I quickly found it on YouTube.1 I clicked play. Six notes in and it sucker punched me right in the feels. I still didn’t understand the lyrics, to be honest, probably because they were High Art and I Wouldn’t Get It Anyway. But my heart shattered nonetheless. I cried. And not like some dainty romantic, delicately sobbing, stirred by song. You know when the tears bunch up around your nose in that ugly stupid dumb way? It was like that. This song f*cked me right up on an unsuspecting Saturday morning. A song off a damn Amazon Prime ad.
Now, you might wonder how I ended up like this - I did too, for a second. I am sad to report that this, friends, is a monster entirely of my own creation.
When everything in my life went to sh*t all at once, as it usually does, depression kept me from having a good night’s sleep for a year straight. It was unfortunate, really, because the best refuge from depression is simply not being awake. It could be so elegant, so easy. Yet there I was, lying in bed awake. Just a miserable fool waiting to fall asleep.
It wasn’t before long that I started bringing my laptop to bed. I was the poster child of a lonely depressed human lost in the digital age. I needed something to fall asleep to and I was sure that something was to be found on YouTube. Anything easy, light-hearted, and sufficiently monotone would do.
I landed on Brad Mondo. Mr. Mondo is a hairdresser who films his reaction to watching videos of amateurs doing DIY haircuts that inevitably go terribly wrong. Take it from me: these videos are the optimal snooze experience. Even in my significantly less depressed state I stand by that statement.
Of course, if you fall asleep with YouTube on, your algorithm will run amok and become utterly cursed. You cannot have auto-play on for nights on end and expect the video suggestions to be sensible. After ‘watching’ Brad’s videos for hours on end I was hounded by every Mondo-esque reaction video ever uploaded to YouTube.
Like a depressed idiot eager for distraction, I clicked on it all. Videos regurgitating drama in the beauty YouTuber world. Reaction channels covering a morbidly obese YouTuber that I never heard of. Recaps of reality TV series I never watched. This miserable mix still included an (un)healthy dose of Brad M., of course, and the cherry on top was a plethora of true crime ‘documentaries’ nobody asked for. Leave it up to AI to supplement artistically mid-range content with some truly depraved stuff to boost the spirits.
Now, I don’t want to yuck anyone’s yum - it was my yum for a while, too - but none of these videos were particularly inspiring or uplifting. Let alone intellectually or mentally challenging. Brad Mondo is amazing and I do cut my own hair pretty okay solely because of him, but no one needs to see thirty of his videos in a row. Or even in a week. Trust me, I would know.
The things I watched and listened to were like the foods you’d eat when sick; proverbial chicken soup and crackers for the psychologically hurting. Reading was too much altogether and avoided entirely. Over time, I had curated my media intake to a perfect mix of dull nonsense. It did the trick for a long time. Until I started to resent it. I just couldn’t stomach any more empty calorie content.
But it was hard breaking from my old ways. Heart strings lurked at every corner, ready to tear my barely mended heart apart all over again. I became a picky eater as means of survival, and my safe foods were so bland that I couldn’t handle anything a little spicy anymore. Any innocuous trigger and suddenly the entertainment was no longer entertaining. It happened all the time, really.
Even my podcasts, a dry ass selection of history/economy/politics, would sidetrack into risky territory from time to time. One moment you’re listening to how inflation is ruining the economy, the next you’re informed on the improbability of ever finding love. I once had a prerecorded yoga class start with a prompt to ‘think of something you love’, which isn’t all that easy to do on particularly bad days. That’s a pretty bleak feeling that I don’t typically brace for when opening a silly little app to do my silly little exercises. My personal low, though, was watching ‘The Boogeyman’, a lukewarm horror movie at best, and bawling by the end of it.
So I continued to consume entertainment that didn’t move me in any way. It was a glorious and long overdue day when the scales of my love-hate relationship tipped to a point where I could at last quit Brad Mondo. And I have, for the most part - I do indulge from time to time. His war against hot roots2 is nothing but admirable and he deserves my continued support.
These days, I’m finally on the mend. I’m venturing out in the entertainment sphere. I’m browsing for new music again. I sometimes toy with the idea of one day maybe perhaps catching up on the series I used to watch (baby steps!). I’ve started reading again, too, with Substack gently easing me into it. I’m equal parts proud and embarrassed to announce I’ve recently finished reading a novel - the first one in three years.
So I’m ready to expose my delicate scars to whatever art throws at me. Art that moves me. I can’t ever know whether it’ll give me life or absolutely kill me, but I think maybe that’s the beauty of it.
I’ll tread carefully on lazy Saturdays though. There’s always the next incomprehensible ad waiting around the corner.
If you have a recommendation for my second book in three years, I would love to hear about it in the comments!
1
Christine and the Queens - Full of Life. Note: if you don’t blast it real loud then what are you even doing.
2
THE ROOTS PROCESS FASTER BECAUSE OF THE HEAT FROM YOUR SCALP! If you know, you know.
